10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. “Who made the
potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in
the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind
of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch
you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to
2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down
until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for
you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold
you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their
little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are
not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not
allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Butchie to start telling
family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any
reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot
off in their asses!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST
ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter
gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save
that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer
is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up,
you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be
swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If
you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass
home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing
yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never
see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let
me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave
my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE
SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to
house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call
every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll
call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her.
After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be
no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take
your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT
11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup
kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You
will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the
appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a
cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass
family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now
being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!